Disclaimer: I wrote this article with no revisions, therefore it is in its purest, rawest form. I felt that to be authentic, I should keep it this way. So, if you stumble across multiple errors just know that I intended for it to be imperfect, because I, a perfectionist, need to learn to be imperfect too.
Hello, I’ve been meaning to post this for a while now, but every time I got close to doing so, something made me hesitate. It is hard for me to be open and vulnerable. I find it hard to ever let anyone fully in. The first photo was taken 4 days ago, and the others were taken periodically through the year, all the way until my first day at OU. (I take pictures of my OOTDs for my mom) Tonight, I am here to tell you why I am glad I gained the freshman fifteen.
Yes, for real. I have struggled with food for basically my entire life. A lot of things make me extremely sick after eating, and it is annoying, to say the least. Anyways, I got my gallbladder taken out in December 2018, in an effort to help these issues. After this surgery, it is common to gain intolerance to certain foods for a while since you don’t have a gallbladder to filter all that stuff.
I got to where I couldn’t eat meat, so I stopped. I really got into vegan/vegetarian cooking with all the different creations you could make from vegetables. It was so cool, and I fell in love with cooking, but I didn’t realize that this type of diet just doesn’t work for my body. I also started doing Crossfit and my lack of protein and lack of calories by accident did not go well. I lost weight rapidly. I already am pretty self-conscious and think about what I eat a lot, so it just kept getting worse. I didn’t know how to stop losing weight, and I really didn’t know why I was in the first place. I got to 92 lbs and for me being 5’ 4” that wasn’t good. I went to the doctor, and I was nervous about being accused of being anorexic because I felt like no one else really understood what I was going through.
We live in a culture of always wanting to lose weight, and here I was, extremely skinny, the “ideal” body and I was still being reprimanded for my size. I was accused of not only being anorexic but also bulimic. I felt ashamed, and I didn’t even have these very serious conditions. I was also told that there was no way I could have kids. My body was way out of whack, and it was really becoming a serious problem. I didn’t even know what to do, and I was in shock.
So, when I got to OU I sought out a dietician to help me go on this weight gain journey. Something that is almost unheard of in today’s world. I also found solace in @cleaneatsbytay because she happened to be going through the same thing as me. It felt so good to have another person to talk to that really understood it. She helped me a lot. With my dietician, I was able to finally get to a healthy BMI with about 5 months of some freaking hard work.
It wasn’t easy seeing myself gain weight and certain clothes I had bought when I was 92 not fit anymore. I knew it was for the better, but it was hard. Some days it is still hard, I am not perfect, but I feel better. I feel freer.
I feel like not everyone is staring at me because of my size. I am stronger than ever in my physical and mental sense. Maybe people think I looked better when I was 92 lbs, but I am here to tell you that I am HAPPIER at being a good, healthy weight. Being healthy is so much more about having a tiny waist and eating whatever food, and all of that. It is about more mental state too. If you or someone you know is going through this, I would be more than happy to try and help. I know it really helped me. If you did read all of this, thanks for reading my story. It was hard for me to even now to press “post,” but I am glad I did it.